The closer husband and Lüfthildis came to the city the parents-in-law live in, the faster she started talking and the more childish she became. Husband took her for a second breakfast and she was fighting the food on her plate, his plate and the plate in the middle as if she had to go to war for a couple of years, knowing that there is not going to be any food. He was sitting opposite her and there was no word like: “Honey don’t you think you had enough” or “I will greet your hips when they enter the room first” or “I guess the two of you are starving”. He sat there watching her and smiling. When husband raised his voice to say a sentence, in one of these short moments that Lüfthildis let the fork enter the den to ruin for any non-moving, eatable thing within the radius of 5 meters, these magnificent words, that each woman wants to hear coming out of a man’s mouth. He said, not even being sarcastic: “Oh look at you! I love the way you enjoy food”. Not enough joy to give a woman eating like a harvester, he asked her whether she wants some more. My God, I want that kind of man! Afterwards Lüfthildis finished all the food on the table, including half a loaf of bread. I think she only ate it before it dries out, you never know when the next drought period will come in winter. Lüfthildis was helped into the car and the driving continued and she blobbed with the same velocity. One second she was obviously not sure whether her heart was still beating because she didn’t talk for entire 5 minutes. Husband most probably thought that her two breakfasts wanted a reunion and he asked her- sorry but can you believe that- he asked her if she is OK?!? This man has to be from a different planet. He didn’t thank God. He didn’t take a mirror and held it under her nose, he didn’t check whether the door was really closed or she fell out of the car, he didn’t stop at the next parking possibility and praise Allah. NO, HE ASKED HER IF SHE WAS OK! He even added, I was just wondering because you are so quiet. My God send many men from that planet and all women will be happy and none of us will be fat, because none of us would need to compensate-gripe. Normal weighted, happy satisfied chatter-machines called women. After 3 hours drive 2 kilos of food 2.5 litres of tea, 75 times stopping because Lüfthildis had to pee and 3.987 stories and as many side stories, which she is jumping to within, they arrived in the city of destination.
No husband did not kick her out of the car and drive off with squeaking tires until there was not more gas in the tank. No, he did not give the concierge an extra tip to lock her up in some room or narcotise her in the elevator, drag her into the laundry cupboard and lock it until it is time to go back to where they came from.
He got off the car, walked around it, opened her door, kissed her lips, took her luggage and asked her: “Do you like the hotel?” This man’s mother should be worshipped; she has to tell what she did to create a man like that. She said that one should have seen the hotel, the bed, the bathroom and blubber, blubber. Husband knocked her obviously out of her shoes.
Upstairs, Lüfthildis then started with men’s favourite issue- “Love, tell me what to ware tonight?” Any man you ask will reconfirm that this issue is the most dangerous – it is THE untouchable item. This is each woman’s principle. Men out there, except for husband, when a woman asks this question ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun as fast as your feet carry you! There is no answer that you can possibly would satisfy your woman- NONE!!! If you don’t run you are trapped and she will use each sentence against you, put you in a tight corner and chew you up slowly and as cruelly as she can. She will take her time and she will enjoy it. Pretend to sleep, call your lawyer, run or read-and-learn. Husband told Lüfthildis to show him what she has in her suitcase and try them all, so he could judge. As being the perfect example of a woman, that will go for THE most exiting dinner of her life, Lüfthildis started unpacking her suitcase putting her stuff on the bed, while complaining about her hair-do and her make-up that ended up on her cheeks, out of not being aware that she is wearing any during the journey. Husband sat on the bed smiling and not saying anything. So finally her half cupboard and all her shoes found a small spot on the bed and she started combining the different possibilities. This can of course not happen in silence. No! It needs to be accompanied by constant complains about all that was touched and rationalised in the absolute female logic (none at all) like for instance, I like this combination, because it is so decent and conservative, I would wear it with those shoes to pimp it up. Yes, this is woman’s logic, wearing something really boring and “pimping it up” with shoes as if people would look at your shoes when you go there for dinner. Are women sitting up-side down at the table for dinner? Which part do women keep under the table? You don’t have to understand it. Neither do we! We just like the sound of these words developing in our mouth, the way they bloom up and fly out of our mouths like wingless flies. When we say it, we really believe the crap we are talking is somehow making sense. The scariest part is that it makes sense to us. The husband sat there laughed and said with this special glimpse in his eyes: “I love you and I love the way you think, you are so pure.” Men; this is not only diplomatic, this is smart, romantic, beautiful and filled with so much love that any woman in the world would ease up and distress. Lüfthildis for some reason manages to listen to his deep and warm voice even if she is talking, even when her heart is pulsing like crazy. Believe me there has to be something about this man, if he is able to comfort her in such a moment.
All of a sudden Lüfthildis remembered that the souvenir she brought for her future father-in-law was destroyed as she tried to wash it. She got it and didn’t see it was stained and when unpacking it she realized this present is an insult. So now she had to jump mentally again and forced husband to jump with her. They had to leave everything immediately and when a woman says immediately she means 5 minutes ago, especially when it is about asking a man to do something for or with her. Better drop everything and run with her. Don’t be faster than her because she might get aggressive and throw something at you. You are not allowed to be faster than her when she is in a hurry but for God’s sake don’t be slower than she is. That might be the death of the day, she will put the blame on you whatever goes wrong for the whole day. If she doesn’t make her make-up the way she likes it, it is your fault because she didn’t have the time she would have needed. If her skirt doesn’t fit, it is not her mistake because she packed the wrong one; no it is yours, as you were hanging behind, so she couldn’t wear it properly because it fit when she tried it at home.
Husband got up immediately and they left together. He set a new schedule and told her that after their shopping tour they really have to hurry home, get changed and go to his parent’s house. My God what a brain! Now that he helped her but at the same time told her to hurry-up and be fast afterwards, she had no excuse and nobody to put the blame on if something went wrong. The best part about it though was that Lüfthildis knew there was no intention behind it, which increases the don’t-be-stupid and don’t-waste-time-feeling.
Hırpıt
